Our ancestors all had their own jobs for what they did well in the small groups they lived in. Because there wasn’t a lot of competition from within the group, these roles were rarely challenged. It didn’t serve the group’s survival to have conflict within it. Primitive self-esteem was largely intact - at least as far they identified with their work. If you were a good hunter, the deer you brought home didn’t just feed your immediate family, it helped feed the village and so you were valued by the whole.

But now we find ourselves in a much larger village where our roles are less defined & there’s a constant reminder we can be replaced. We learn to evaluate and compare ourselves to others and if we’re depressed we do it constantly. Our self worth, who we are in our mind, is largely based on what we do. Our interests, hobbies, families, friends, etc. are put way down on the list of what we think makes us who we are. The deer we bring home now is the check that pays the rent; appreciated by your family for sure (well, maybe not by your 15 year old), but of little interest to anyone else.

The black dog puts an added burden on us by demanding perfection. We must be the best at what we do, but we never are. So we go round and round setting ourselves up for failure. We may do something well, even above average, but it isn’t perfect so we feel empty. We tell ourselves we’re somehow less of a person because we don’t measure up to the impossibly unobtainable goals that we’ve set.

Competition with others for limited jobs doesn’t help. It only reinforces that we must be the best. Stress grows like a weed.

Who are we? What is the concept we have of ourselves? What roles do we play that make us who we are? What do I think of myself?

Self-esteem answers these questions. So how do you value yourself? Take a look at what you see as an important part of your self-concept.

Here’s an example of someone’s self-concept. Like the spokes on a wheel each aspect is a supporting part that goes in to making the whole.

The more spokes you have, the stronger your wheel is. It’s also more likely that when a spoke is broken, the wheel won’t fall apart because there’s other ones to take its place. So we need to work on building a stronger wheel.

What happens if this person gets a bad evaluation at work? If they don’t have depression it may look something like the following.

You can see that their idea of themselves as a good employee takes a hit, along with their thinking about their competency and work ethic. This will give them something to work on to improve their performance but it won’t overwhelm them. They still have other roles to play and other interests and activities in their lives that are largely unaffected. In other words their sense of self is not entirely attached to ‘work’. They still value themselves.

What does a black dog do with the same information? Oftentimes that dog will turn it in to a catastrophe. What started out as constructive criticism by their boss is seen as a mortal blow to their person. Their competency is questioned and rather than just affecting their idea about work, it now overflows into other areas of their lives. If they’re not competent at work that must mean they’re not competent in other areas like parenting, friendships, etc. There’s really no evidence that a sub par performance at work means you’re also a bad parent but reason never stopped the black dog.

Your assignment (should you decide to accept it!) is to take credit for something that you did well during your day. There’s no reason not to pat yourself on the back and be proud of what you’ve done. You can use the form from my previous post and keep track of all of your progress. Write down at least 3 things you did. They can be small or large. Maybe you finished a project at work or made an effort to talk to someone you don’t know very well, or helped reattach a bicycle chain that came loose on a neighbor kid’s bike. Just write it down and feel good about yourself!

This entry was posted on Friday, September 14th, 2007 at 3:56 pm and is filed under Uncategorized.