I’ve been meaning for a long time now to write about love. What having it does to us, how losing it can feed depression and how we can move on . . . but in all honesty I’ve not done a very good job with any of it.

I’ve fallen in love so very deeply that I thought I could die then and there and my life would be complete. Instead the black dog raised its head and made sure that I remained mired in self doubt unable to make a decision or to act. My life would remain incomplete.

“I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”~ St. Paul

I’ve never been one to quote the bible but I remember this quote from an undergrad class on Pauline Christianity. Funny how you hear things and you think you understand them at the time but years go by, life happens and you forget. One day you reflect on your actions and their consequences and that still small voice reminds you. “You did the very thing you didn’t want to do.” Now you really understand the heart of St. Paul.

Depression is a disease, not an excuse but surely it makes for some extenuating circumstances. If only we could understand and forgive ourselves. If only we could make others understand and forgive . . . but we can’t. It’s a rare person that understands the twisted nature of depression, even rarer when they can forgive. We have to learn to forgive ourselves.

Like my parent’s Alzheimer’s you have to keep reminding yourself it’s the disease, not you that causes the anger, the sadness, the poor decisions & bad behavior. This isn’t to excuse any of it, but it does keep it in perspective and hopefully keeps you from beating yourself up over it or repeating the behavior. It’s hard enough for those of us with depression to understand & accept that it’s the disease, so imagine what it’s like for someone on the receiving end of the pain to understand & accept it. They can’t see into our hearts & minds to understand our struggle and many of us do a really good job of covering up the fact that we’re depressed. This is why I thought it was necessary as part of treating my depression to open up with family and friends. Once the secret is out it looses power over you and it’s easier to hold yourself (& be held) accountable for the behavior of your black dog.

When I told some of my friends about my black dog, many of them said, “I had no idea. You seem so even keeled, so laid back.” What they couldn’t see was the tremendous emotional juggling act I’d been doing that was taking its toll on me. It’s like one of those jugglers who throws around a chainsaw, an ax, knives, bowling ball, etc. and seems to just barely catch them at the right time & in the right place . . . but just one slip and someone is going to get hurt.

Well, you know when you’re rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That’s how I feel all the time. ~ Stephen Wright, comedian

You don’t truly understand something until you experience it yourself. Intellectual understanding is important but it’s not the same as direct knowledge. It’d be like a child trying to write a love song. There’s just nothing there to go on but imagination and as powerful as that is, it usually comes up short.

There’s an old Don Henley song called The Heart of the Matter that I’ve always liked. The lyrics ring true ~

And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, Im learning again
Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

“How I lost me and you lost you” takes on such a deeper meaning when the black dog is involved. It’s a bitch how you can be so unaware of its presence until your relationships are broken and you’re so very alone. Like coming home to piles of crap and a chewed up couch in a torn up living room, except now the only dog you have to whip is you.

But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter

My dad told me recently that one of the men under his command in WWII shot himself on the battlefield in Germany after getting a ‘Dear John” letter. I asked dad if he’d lied when he wrote the letter to this soldier’s parents explaining his death. Surely it would have been more comforting for them to think he’d died fighting for his country but dad said, “No. I had to tell them the truth.”

The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again

Experience gave me the knowledge of how good it feels to love and be loved, how much it hurts to lose love and that leads me to understand why that soldier did what he did. They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but when love is part of the picture it’s very difficult to see clearly. Even more so when you’re walking a black dog that likes nothing better than to ruminate endlessly over your lost love. But see clearly we must. As bad as the pain and the heartache is, it’s still temporary. It may seem more like an open wound that will never heal but with time the pain lessens and becomes more bearable.

Unconditional love is a wonderful thing but as I’ve written before, it escaped my experience until the birth of my children. It’s been a tough lesson but now I understand what it’s like to love someone without any conditions whatsoever - even when they walk away.

“Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you know is fighting some kind of battle.” ~ Plato

This entry was posted on Monday, October 29th, 2007 at 5:24 am and is filed under love.