Longing For Things To Be Other Than They Are
February 14th, 2008People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive . . . ~ Joseph Campbell
Happy Valentine’s Day. Really. I don’t like the holiday all that much either but I do appreciate the sentiment. I just prefer to show my love throughout the year rather than have it forced on me during a holiday.
Which would you rather have - the obligatory flowers and chocolate, or someone who dotes on you throughout the year? Someone who occasionally buys you something special, out of the blue, because they knew you’d like it? Someone who actually talks and listens?
You may not have anyone, let alone your soul mate but there is someone who cares. You may not feel it, but someone, somewhere loves you. It may not be the person you want, in the way you’d like, where you’d like it, at this moment . . . but still, someone does care. I know, I do.
We spend so much of our lives wanting to be somewhere else, in the past or the future. Doing something different, with someone different. Anywhere but here, anytime but now.
It isn’t because we’re walking a black dog either. Everyone does this, but if you have the misfortune (remember it’s not a fault) to be walking a black dog, then the habit of ruminating only burns it into your mind’s hard drive so you can play it on an endless loop.
Today is the day you’re supposed to be happy and have a good time with your loved ones, but what if you’re not happy or don’t have any loved ones to celebrate with? What if the love of your life has left? If they’re your soul mate surely they’ll come back; how could they not? The very definition of a soul mate is that person you are destined to be with so it’s just a matter of time before they come back, right? No.
A Burning Ring of Fire
I know from where I speak. I’ve been to the edge, stared into the darkness . . . and then fell in (or did I jump?). Johnny Cash will never sound the same again, nor any other country or blues singer. Once you’ve been through it, no song will ever sound the same again. What once may have seemed like just sentimental love songs suddenly resonate. The tear jerking words and melody now make sense.
Still I Long For Your Kiss ~ Lucinda Williams
I know I shouldn’t but I want you so bad
I know it couldn’t be but I want what we had
I know our love is gone and I can’t bring it back
Still I long for your kiss
Still I long for your kiss
I know it’s over cause you told me so
I tried to leave but I can’t let you go
I can’t believe you don’t want me no more
Still I long for your kiss
Still I long for your kiss
The days go by but they don’t seem the same
I cry and cry and I call out your name
I go downtown I see your face
Nobody around can take your place
But you put me down
But you turned me away
Still I long for your kiss
You don’t think you’ll ever get over it, but there is a way out. You talk it out with your friends, family, a therapist. Give yourself a time limit. After some time goes by the more you keep talking about it, it will only serve to keep you ruminating & miserable. Keep yourself busy - not just at work but preferably doing things you enjoy, or at least used to enjoy. Do not withdraw into a shell. Spend time with your friends. Whether you feel like it or not, just do it.
Do not curl up in a fetal position and stay in bed all day. You may think there’s something terribly romantic about your suffering. There’s nothing romantic or heroic about suffering. You may want to indulge your dark mood and surrender. Don’t do it!
Follow the TLC program. Exercise at least three times a week. If you can do it with a friend, that’s even better. Buy a light and/or get outside in the sunshine. If it’s nice out you can run, bike, play tennis, etc. and get your sunlight at the same time. Get your daily amount of Omega-3 fish oil. Socialize. Get on a sleep schedule and stick to it. When you find yourself starting to ruminate, tell yourself to “Stop it!” and distract yourself by doing something different. Above all keep it up until it all becomes a habit. It won’t work overnight, but in time you’ll find you do feel better and it will be longer lasting.
Love After Love by Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Thanks to Faith for her inspiring comments on my previous post about how the TLC program has helped her.
February 15th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Well said…..time and TLC heals. Good Doggy!
A couple of months ago I thought I would never get over my last relationship. Then I started getting more sleep and giving more of myself and one day it just hit me….”I’m so over him! Yeah!” I dislike giving another person so much power over my life. I have to remember also, that wishing for that “special someone” is giving a non-existent person a lot of power over my life too. Then I have to say “stop it!” Be here now, be me now!
February 15th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Lisa, I couldn’t have said it better.
I’m reminded of Albert Ellis and his ‘enlightenment’. He was suffering from the loss of a girlfriend when it dawned on him, “Why am I giving my power to someone else?” and with that he was on his way to creating Cognitive Therapy.
Way to go. I’m happy for you.
February 17th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I need to try the TLC program. I signed on hoping to find someone who understood how to stop the black dog from dragging me and teach it to heel. As I read this, I began to cry. I still am. I don’t know who I’m giving my power to, but it’s not myself or I wouldn’t be wrapped in the covers all of the time.
You help people. I admire your gift.
February 17th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Kristin,
Thanks for reading my blog and commenting. I hope you can find some training tips for your black dog.
Please poke around and read my earlier posts and check out the other pages about the TLC program. You can read my first post here.
Be sure and read Faith’s comment on how the TLC program has been working for her.
TLC does work. Just decide to do it, and do it even when you don’t feel up to it. Keep doing it even when you don’t think it’s working. It is working and in time you’ll realize that you do feel better.
February 18th, 2008 at 2:13 am
Another great post! That ring of fire can be pretty painful. I liked Lisa’s comment, it gives me hope!
I keep re-reading Kristin’s comment & hope it is ok to address something to her.
Kristin, if you come back and read this - hang in there. I wish I could give you a hug. It sounds like your in a lot of pain. I hope the TLC program works for you. It is never easy to deal with depression but it absolutely can be done. Take care.
February 18th, 2008 at 4:42 am
I second Robin’s hug and advice. Kristin you hang in there. I hope you have someone you can talk to - a friend, family member or a therapist.
If money to pay for counseling is an issue I know several organizations have a sliding fee schedule and some even have little or no fee. It helps to be able to get it all out - to talk, scream or cry - whatever it is you’re feeling and dealing with. It’s good to have someone who can help keep track of your progress and encourage you & hold you accountable so that you stay on track with the TLC program.
Kick those covers off Kristin. Get out of bed and check in your phone book and make some calls. The black dog makes you feel isolated enough as it is. Take some action now. That’s the first step to helping, healing and empowering yourself.
February 19th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Don’t think of TLC as something you *should* do.
Think of it as something that *CAN* help you. You’re not a bad person if you don’t. Thinking in terms of something you *should* do - if you don’t or aren’t doing it, is a mechanism for you to beat yourself up over. Just be careful about that. This is an aspect of some people’s “issues” (at least mine). I used to beat myself up over things like this. Still do.
I take stock of where I am now, and where I was about 6 months ago, maybe even 3 months ago. This blog has helped some. These TLC activities have helped some. My therapist has helped some.
My marriage is still teetering on the brink of destruction. What has helped me personally has not helped my partner as much. . . or our marriage. But when I think about how I used to feel about that - overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, pain, unable to concentrate, nearly unable to function - often making bad choices as a consequence, and how I feel about it now; I *know* I’ve come a long way. I can’t put my finger on what it was that I did that changed how I’m seeing things. I have to say that the elements of TLC (proper sleep: no compromises, running 4x a week, rain or shine, omega-3, thankful happy attitude, great kids, empowering actions) - that I’m following have to be helping.