The Mouse That Roared
February 18th, 2008
I found this little guy in a bucket I was using for bird seed. It and it’s family had made a huge mess in my garage - tearing a hole in a sack of seed, eating all of the sunflower seeds and then setting up house in some storage shelves and using the back side and underneath area of my beer fridge as a toilet. What a mess.
Because he was trapped in this bucket he was very agitated; jumping and running around even though he was stuck. I took him outside away from the house, let him go and then cleaned up. He ran away as fast as his little legs could could carry him.
Like this mouse, most of our behavior should naturally be geared towards our own well-being but when you have a black dog you tend to get pulled off track. Instead of doing things for ourselves, for our happiness and success, we start to modify our actions in ways that actually end up hurting us.
Maybe we withdraw socially and so cut ourselves off from a valuable source of support. We don’t exercise or eat a healthy diet which affects our physical and mental health. We stay in a job that we hate because it supplies a steady check & insurance but in the process it sucks the life out of us. We stay in a bad relationship for the sake of financial security, we fear being alone or we’re afraid or how leaving will affect our relationship with others (what will our family think?!). Whatever it may be, if it’s something that is beneficial to our health and well being, the black dog will take a bite out of it.
It’s very difficult to make good decisions when you are dealing with depression. The hard wired ‘fight or flight’ response can short out and you end up taking the wrong action, or no action at all. Like a mouse in a field that sees a hawk overhead, you freeze in the hope that it won’t see you. You think that if you aren’t noticed everything will be okay.
It’s appropriate action for the mouse. After all it can hardly fight back and if it’s in an open field it can’t run away either. But we’re not mice and if we get stuck in a negative loop where we are afraid of taking any action, it won’t matter that we’re not in a ‘fight or flight’ situation. We’ll start to take ‘no action’ in all areas of our lives thinking or feeling that if we aren’t noticed then nothing bad can happen. We become the mouse and we think there’s always a hawk flying overhead. We don’t understand it ourselves and those around us sure as hell don’t understand it.
I know I’ve done this repeatedly in regards to my relationship (or lack of relationship) with my daughter. Out of fear of alienating her more (if that’s possible) I’ve limited, sometimes severely, my behavior. I’ve switched jobs, bought and sold homes all in the hopes of being closer to her. I am so afraid of not seeing her again that I’ve put myself in a box. I’ve been jumping through emotional hoops, hoping that if I contort my actions enough maybe she’ll come back to our family. I’ve put my happiness & life on hold for her sake.
I own one of those keys but it’s one I’m anxious to switch. After 8 years I don’t want to continue this way. It doesn’t work and I can’t and won’t do it anymore. It’s not only very limiting, it’s extremely destructive. In the past, the times I’ve been most happy or at least content, are those times when I took a stand, made a decision and moved forward. Conversely the times I’ve been the most miserable have been those times when I either didn’t make, or didn’t stick to, a decision but waffled instead. Nothing will bring you down quicker than not making a decision (especially when your choice is clear), all because you hope that it will matter to someone else.
Like holding on to anger, all it does is hurt you. The other person is more than likely oblivious to you. It’s better to at least take some sort of action, than to do nothing and just let things happen.
The next time you find yourself limiting your actions, what you say or do, how you express yourself, etc. - stop and have a little conversation. What are your feelings? What do you feel physically (a knot in your stomach, nausea, headache, etc.). What will make you happy? Do you want to do one thing but find yourself worrying about what others might say and so do the very thing you don’t want to do? If you feel in your gut it’s not right, it probably isn’t. Pay attention to the red flags in your life.
I’m not talking about being self-centered and selfish. Obviously if you’re in a relationship or have a family, you should consider how your decisions will affect others. BUT, if you only do things for others and put aside your own needs you will suffer.
There was a counselor at the High School I attended who had a nervous breakdown several years before I was there. He was very open about it and told me that when he was in the hospital recovering his doctor asked him, “What’s the most important thing in your life?”
Being a religious man he answered, “My God. My church.”
The doctor said, “No.”
“It must be my family then.” he said.
The doctor shook his head. “No.”
“Well,” he stumbled, “I don’t know. I give up. Tell me.”
“The most important thing in your life is you. If you don’t take care of yourself, then your family, your church and your God don’t matter. The greatest gift you can give anyone is a healthy you.”
No matter how much you second guess yourself, your decisions, your actions, etc. always ask yourself, “Am I taking care of myself?”
February 19th, 2008 at 10:00 am
What a great article! My cousin has a saying ” If Mamma ain’t happy, no body is happy.” I take that as a Mother, in order to do my job the best I can, I need to take care of myself first. No excuses! Plus there needs to be communication between me and my family about what that entails. It is such a simple concept, yet it seems so hard to master at times. If we take responsibility for our own well being it is makes our lives so much easier. The minute we give the responsibility away, the more complicated our lives become. I think my kids have so much more respect for me since I started taking better care of my self both physically and emotionally. Plus on top of that, I am being a good example to them. How the heck are our kids supposed to learn to take care of themselves if we don’t set the example?
February 19th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
I’ve spent most of my life doing what I thought other people wanted me to because I thought that would make them like me better. When I started talking about it I found out that most people, even those closest to you, don’t really care. Sure they care about you but your choices are still your choices and if they really love you they’ll support them.
It must be horrendously hard to be estranged from your daughter. I really can’t imagine anything worse but I think you’re right. You can only do so much and at some point you have to say, it’s my life and I’m going to do what I think is best. It sounds like you’re about at that point & I wish you luck with any changes you make. Hopefully your daughter will come to see how much you love her. I hope she reads your blog sometimes - it is pretty clear from your postings that you do love her & want to reconnect with her. Good luck!
February 20th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Isn’t it funny how we contort ourselves for the sake of others and they don’t even notice, or if they do - they don’t care.
I’ve given my daughter control a lot, including some very important relationships. Truth is I doubt she notices or cares either, so my work is to take back control and move ahead.
Good luck to us all!