When Your Heart Keeps Breaking
February 28th, 2008
My dog woke me around 4 a.m. She was smacking her lips and making a noise like she was trying to keep something down. I rolled out of bed and let her out. She stayed out for a long time but eventually came bounding up the step of the backyard deck and was ready for bed again.
I’ve always envied her ability to fall asleep within seconds and this morning was no different. I’d no more thrown her blanket on her and laid down in my bed when she went from deep breathing to snoring deeply. It took me a while to drift off and when I did it seemed like the dreams came pouring in right away.
The gist of the dream this morning was I was in some strange kind of hospital. It was huge, unfamiliar and like a labyrinth. Halls twisted and turned, went up and down and came to dead ends. Along the way I ran into my daughter. She stared at me blankly and reluctantly gave me a hug. I hugged her, cried & begged and pleaded with her to please tell me what it was I did or said that has caused her to cut me and my entire family off - that I would do whatever it takes to make it up to her. I kept begging her, saying our hearts were broken without her in our lives, etc. Finally she said she would call me later and then she made a speedy departure.
This is how my black dog worms its way in to my life. No matter how much I practice anti-rumination and other strategies, these dreams will pop up and let me know my heartache is still with me and will be for a long time to come. There are just some things that don’t seem to get any better over time. My only alternative is to keep on keeping on - keep practicing the TLC program even when it doesn’t seem to help in this area.
One of my Aikido teachers was always meticulous about his health. He watched his diet, exercised a lot and stayed involved, yet he died in his early 60s from pancreatic cancer. Some people said, “A lot of good his diet & exercise did him.” My response was, “You don’t know. Maybe everything he did extended his life years beyond what it would have been had he not taken care of himself.”
I look at the TLC program the same way. If I didn’t practice it, my black dog would be much bigger.
February 28th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Last night I was faithfully doing my TLC, taking a walk in the evening twilight. About a quarter mile from home I passed a guy bent over looking at something in the park grass. I looked, too. It was a tiny hummingbird. It was injured and flailing its wings there in the grass, flipping over back and forth. The guy just shrugged his shoulders and walked on. But I was frozen. I didn’t know what to do, but I couldn’t just walk away. I ran through my mind how to pick it up, but it was flailing around too much. Finally I walked on, but stopped again a block away, sat down, and sobbed. Then I rushed back home, got my car and a box, towel, and gloves. I went back but I couldn’t see anything, it was too dark. Every time a car passed, I scanned the grass in the light from the headlights, but nothing was moving. People were out walking their dogs - I was afraid some dog had gotten the bird during the 30 minutes while I was running to get my car. I came home and prayed that the bird had flown to safety - or else died a merciful death. Last night before bed I was afraid I might dream about the bird, that it would send me spiraling down into depression again. This morning when I went out walking, I avoided going that way - I didn’t want to think about the bird anymore. But on the way back I turned and went down that path. I looked in the grass and there it was, lying still. I pulled out some tissues and used them to pick it up. It started moving its feet and its wings ever so slightly. I carried it home, put it in a box with a towel tucked like a little nest on top of a hot-water bottle. Then I started calling around for animal rescue advice. Everyone said the same thing - the nearest bird rescue facility was a 45-minute drive away, and I should go there ASAP. They also said I shouldn’t try to feed it, but just get in my car and drive. I peeked under the lid of the box and the hummingbird perked up its head, then I didn’t look again because I didn’t want to cause it any further stress. When I got there I handed over the box. Then they came back out and said it was too late, the bird was already dead. I asked to see it. She brought him out, told me he was an adult male, and let me stroke his beautiful iridescent head.
I’ve finally stopped crying, for now at least. I don’t know how he was injured but now, looking at the tissues I picked him up with, I see tiny little flecks of blood I hadn’t noticed before. Maybe he died from his injuries, or maybe from exhaustion and dehydration, or maybe from the sheer terror and stress of being picked up. I don’t know what I could have done that would have been “right.”
I suppose there’s a lesson here. There are some things we can’t fix or make right. They’re beyond our control. The loss of a hummingbird’s life, the loss of a relationship… You try to do the right thing, but it turns out to be the wrong thing. Maybe sometimes there is no right thing.
I will go out for my walk again this evening….
February 28th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Faith,
I love hummingbirds, they’re such a wonderful little animal. I helped rescue 2 last summer that had flown into my garage but couldn’t figure out how to fly out. It’s very upsetting to see them in distress. I’m glad you tried to help it.
I think you’re right. Sometimes you can’t fix or make things right no matter how hard you try.
February 28th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
I have only been a reader of your blog for a couple of months. Today, your mentioning the estrangement of your daughter again, just breaks my heart. I have two children and there has been times when we have not spoken, but with us time brings us back together. I looked back and read over your articles about family and it must be even more heartbreaking to not know the reason for this estrangement. I have seen many a couple where both partners are not very healthy and one gives in to the other and ends up being estranged from the other’s family. In some incidences, depressed people can be very easily controlled.
I used to be estranged from my Mom because my husband at the time didn’t like her. She lived out of the country and she had a massive coronary and it hit me that I may never speak to her again. I was filled with regret. That was life changing experience for me. If my daughter and I have had a bad morning, I will sit in front of the school with her in the car and I will risk being late so we have no unfinished business in our last moments together (because you never know what’s ahead of you down the highway of life).
As in any situation or relationship, it IS the not knowing that is so hard. I have to use the mantra “I have no control over other people” alot. Yes and taking care of yourself is paramount, because someday your daughter might need you. I know from my experience from being depressed and being a parent that we all come from different backgrounds and different mixes of family dynamics. I don’t know if I have done too much or not enough as a parent. It really is hard to know until my kids start having kids of their own. In the meantime, I just try to be a good example of a person and be compassionate and honest with myself and the people in my life. It’s that the best that I can do.
So keep up the good work and maybe some day your black dog will be a sweet white one like in the picture! Though no dog is a perfect angel. But at least you both will be wiser and well trained!
February 29th, 2008 at 6:14 am
Thanks Lisa,
I appreciate getting a woman’s & parent’s perspective.
It is indeed the ‘not knowing’ that makes it so difficult. I think most parents wonder if they’ve done a good job at raising their kids but my situation with my daughter makes my black dog answer “no” to that thought.
I really have to struggle, argue and remind myself that it’s not me - it’s the dynamics my daughter grew up with at her mom’s house. Still, I worry about what happened to her there and think that maybe she is depressed. When she lived with my niece she withdrew from her friends and would often sleep all the time.
It’s so good of you to share your story about your mom and daughter. I had hoped that with my mother’s passing this last year that maybe it would help my daughter to realize that life is short and you never know when a loved one may pass . . .
All I can do is to keep taking care of myself and say some prayers for my daughter.
February 29th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
In California, the courts usually try to give pretty even custody to both parents (if they are able to accept it). In our county, anytime people get divorced and have kids, we have to take a mandatory co-parenting class before our divorce is final. What an eye opener that was on how the “dynamics” of what goes on in each household effects our children. It was a challenge for me at first to not want to use my kids to
get back at their Dad for the pain I was feeling. I also felt that they should be with “me full-time” because I needed something to a void I was feeling and I was afraid of what might happen to them at their Dad’s house. Their Dad does have a bit of a temper. Eventually things quieted dow. Plus my daughter asked me one day if her Dad and I could try to get along better. I then realized that I was thinking more about me and less about how my actions and words hurting her.
It sounds like to me that your daughter may have lived away from you and you did not share much physical custody. Our divorce agreement strictly prohibits the parents from living too far away from each other and doing so we would forfiet any physical parental rights. My kids were a gift to me and nothing will keep me from my responsibility towards them. As much as I don’t really care for my children’s father, I believe it has been important for our kids to see both of us in our good and bad lights. As a family now, have a pretty good relationship based on trust and communication.
My parents divorced when I was about 25. My brother took it really hard and became estranged from my Mom because she was the one that initiated it. Our kids have seen a lot of divorce and our generation didn’t see as much. But I think deep down kids really hope their family stays together no matter what. Divorce is a huge adjustment for kids and bringing in a new spouse is even bigger.
I’m not sure when the sense of a person’s mortality really sinks in. If your daughter didn’t have a relationship with your Mom, then losing her would not have any meaning. Sometimes losing someone their own age, is more of a reminder of their mortality, rather than someone who has lived for some time.
It’s great to get a man’s perspective on depression. I think sometimes men don’t understand what is happening to them. A lot of us grew up with stoic parents that did not know to show emotion. Or in my case, I grew up in very violent household. It is so obvious why we struggle with what is going on inside of us because no one showed us how to deal with it. It is nice to know that men struggle with the same issues women do.
So for now I guess you have to let go of what might have been or what think you did or didn’t do and live in the present of taking care of you. Our job as parents is to be out of a job and letting go is part of program. Letting go for me has been the hardest and the most rewarding. I have a son in college and I tell you, it has been a huge test for both of us. It has been good for both of us to talk about is going on with us. Some of his struggles have been hard for me to hear about, but I know it is comforting for him to share them with me. Plus I now have more time to develop “me” and I prepare myself to when I have an empty nest.
I wonder what is to be learned from estrangement…..
February 29th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Actually my daughter, son and I were all very close - and they were very close to my parents. I live in the same town just a few blocks away from where their mom used to live so distance was never an issue. We saw each other a lot.
Their mother had a fair amount of boyfriends and is now on her 4th husband. When my son was in Junior High his mom kicked him out of her house (she was with husband #3), so he came to live with me. That’s about the time my daughter stopped coming to family events. I wonder if she had been abused by one of her stepdads. She was very close to her grandma and was visibly shaken during the funeral mass but since then she’s never visited my dad or anyone else in our family.
My son has told me in the past that his mom still continues to talk about me and it’s been 19 years since the divorce. She has a lot of issues and uses our daughter.
Barring any abuse, every child has a right to both parents. I’ve never said a bad word about my ex and even encouraged my son to maintain a relationship with her even when he didn’t want to see her. It’s the parent’s responsibility to put the children first. It’s just a very sad, disfunctional situation.
March 3rd, 2008 at 10:05 am
Thanks for being so open about the situation with your daughter. I feel for you as it is very hard when both parents aren’t both working together for the sake of their kids. It is hard to intervene once the kids have moved out of the house. It’s also hard on the kids when there is no emotional closure for the parents in a divorce.
I feel extremely lucky to have gotten my act together so that my kids weren’t too emotionally harmed by our divorce. In my case, there is no blame as we were both responsible for the demise of our marriage. I feel good that I have learned from all of that. We have two great kids from that union and for that I am extremely thankful.