Tombstone Tuesday
March 11th, 2008I took the day off so that my brother Jim, sister Chrissy and her husband Tom and I could all drive up state to the little town our mom is buried in and pick out her tombstone. It’s been almost a year since she passed and we wanted to get it done before the anniversary of her death and in time for memorial day when we’ll take our dad up to put flowers on her grave. It was a two hour drive through a lot of winter weary Kansas farmland to get to there.
While it was nice to talk to everyone during the drive, I found my black dog had hitched a ride along with us and after an hour or so I became quiet, anxious and worried for a short time about if my boss would be upset I took the day off. I found myself wanting it to be over, so I consciously slowed my breathing down and tried to just focus on the moment. On the drive up I looked at the vast farmland rolling by and thought about how beautiful it was with its hills, valleys, creeks and wide open sky.
Despite his Alzheimer’s dad still knows mom is gone and has told me on a couple of occasions that he wanted to go pick a stone out for her. When my sister last visited dad a couple of days ago he pointed to his bed and said, “I look over there every day and expect to see her, but she’s never there. I just want to go to where she is.” At this my sister started crying and dad just looked at her like he didn’t quite understand her tears.
A few days earlier Chrissy had a dream where mom was in the penthouse suite of a skyscraper and was asking her to come up and visit. Chrissy was a little stuck as she wanted to see mom but didn’t want to die to see her.
The little monument store was in an old gas station building on a small corner lot. A sign in the window said, “Back at one.” The area where the gas pumps used to be was now filled with several rows of blank tombstones of varying shapes, sizes and hues sitting on concrete blocks - a few of which were crushed by the weight. Most where under three feet tall with either rough or smooth edges and polished surfaces front and back. One stone stuck out above all the others. It was a tall black granite one with a large hand carved angel leaning over the stone in mourning. Since mom wanted an angel we decided to go with that one.
We met with the volunteer fireman who owned the shop after lunch and found the angel was reasonable priced. “Yes” he said, “I got that from China. If I’d bought it stateside it would be triple the cost.”
Who would have thought a hand-carved angel tombstone in a Kansas farm town could be outsourced. Kind of amazing when you think about it. Even with the shipping from China it’s still cheaper than one made here. The cost was all inclusive - all of the carving and the set up in the cemetery.
We picked out an Army insignia with WWII, Korea, Viet Nam engraved under it to be displayed above dad’s name and a cross in a wreath above mom’s name. Two intertwined wedding rings with the date of their marriage below their names. Date of Birth, Date of Death and ‘beloved parents of . . . ” and we were done. The whole thing took about an hour. One more step in the grieving process came to a close.
When mom died the whole process of arranging the funeral and picking the casket was fairly surreal. I think we were all still in shock - she’d just died the day before. I had just held her cold hand and kissed her forehead. A year has gone by now and although it’s still fresh in our minds, we left feeling pretty good about picking a nice stone that mom would have liked. It wasn’t that bad after all. Just another right of passage in life’s journey.
The black dog hopped in the car for the ride home and slept quietly in the back.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:16 am
It’s great to be able to take a day off to get stuff done. When I was picking out my sister’s headstone, the lady that was helping me said it is sometimes better to wait sometime after the funeral to pick out a headstone. There are so many rush decisions to be made at the time someone passes and a headstone is there, like forever, so it is nice to not be pressured to pick out something right away. It was good to hear that your experience “wasn’t bad after all.” Good job on working on being present. For me, the deaths that I have experienced in my life so far, have been great learning experiences for me.
I learned from my experience with my Dad’s passing (he hadn’t taken care of his “final wishes”), that I would not put my kids through the same ordeal. I found that taking care of my last wishes now gives me a lot of comfort knowing my kids won’t be stressing out on “what Mom would have wanted.” Though, having buried both of my parents, the funeral stuff is more for the living and I have expressed in my last wishes, that if my kids aren’t comfortable with some of my wishes, then I want them to do what is comfortable for them to celebrate my life.
I have also found that when it comes to dealing with the passages in life’s journey, that the black dog is more behaved when there is no unfinished business between us and our loved ones. Nothing is more excruciating than wishing we had said or done something after someone had passed. A hard lesson many of us have learned. I have found that making sure that my family knows where I stand with them, every day, makes for me better relationships and a daily sense of peace with the universe.
March 12th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I agree Lisa, I’m glad some time has gone by before we bought the stone. I’m also glad my mom and I were on good terms and always told each other “I love you”.
She had a really good life and died peacefully so it’s just a matter of missing her rather than having any regrets. I’m very grateful for that. There was no unfinished business between us.