Yesterday I traveled to the great city of Wichita, Kansas to help my son move. He just graduated from barber school and is moving back home to work in an old school barber shop downtown.

As with most trips I found myself worrying about my truck breaking down. Not that it’s prone to that. It’s just that it has 127k and seems due for a major repair and well, I tend to catastrophize. Black dogs tend to not see things as they are, but imagine things as they might be for the worse.

I had left home around 9:30 and made it there around noon with no problems. He took me down to the barber school, showed me around and picked up a friend’s apartment key so we could drop off a ‘very used’ couch for him. We rented a U-Haul trailer and loaded up his belongings. I was on my way back by 4.

One of the under appreciated ecosystems of the world has to be the great plains. Going to and from Wichita I was able to drive through a good chunk of the Flint Hills. The wide, wide open spaces and rolling hills are, to me, every bit as awe inspiring as a mountain range just in a different way. It is miles and miles of miles and miles, but it’s also big sky country that helps to put me & my little problems in perspective. This photo taken at 70 mph doesn’t do it justice but will give you an idea of it’s openness.

Towing a fully loaded trailer with the back of my pickup loaded down too, my truck struggled to maintain speed especially over some of the bigger inclines. I kept a close watch on gauges hoping that they would stay within their safety zones. A couple hours later I was listening to the wrap up of the Big 12 tournament games about 4 miles from Topeka and hence the end of the turnpike. I was really hungry and looking forward to dinner and relaxing after a long day and then I heard it.

It was a metallic rattle in the background. I turned the radio off and really heard it. If I tried to accelerate, it only grew louder and more violent sounding. Shit! I could literally feel my anxiety jump. “This must not be happening.” I thought. I pulled over to the shoulder as semis, SUVs and assorted other vehicles flew past me - many without even changing lanes. If I’d opened my door at the wrong time they would have been ripped it off.

Now my throat seemed to constrict making swallowing feel a little awkward. My breathing was faster and shallower and my mind was racing. The whole way down and back the thought that “there must not be any problems” lurked in the background of my thoughts. Now I was upset that my fears came to fruition and that pissed me off as it only seemed to confirm my worry’s value. I had argued with my irrational fears about the truck breaking down - that worrying obsessively was uncalled for and counter productive. I was determined to replace those thoughts with a healthy concern and hope for a hassle free trip and so have less anxiety.

Black dogs often bring with them ‘all or nothing’ type of thinking. We make demands of ourselves, others and the universe to be absolutely fair and hassle free - to be perfect. When it’s not, as it surely never will be, we get upset beyond what the situation calls for - if it calls for anything at all. Surprisingly, shortly after pulling over and coming to grips with my predicament I was able to put it all in perspective. I consciously slowed and deepened my breathing and thought of my options which thanks to my cell phone weren’t too bad.

I called AAA and made arrangements for a tow which unfortunately took over 2 hours as they had trouble finding a tow truck that could handle my truck and the trailer. I’d called my brother to see if he could drive down and help but because it was a turnpike there is a concrete barrier separating the north & south lanes, there was no way for him to turn around without driving 40 miles past me to the next exit. I was stuck and could only fight the cold and watch the sun go down.
Thoughts of “This should not have happened.” kept popping up and I had to keep reminding myself that hassles happen, that’s just a part of life. As often as they popped up I kept arguing why it wasn’t unreasonable to be stranded on a highway. It was very inconvenient to be sure but it wasn’t a catastrophe. At the end of the day I was home and safe. What more could you ask for?

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 16th, 2008 at 11:39 am and is filed under anxiety.