The POWER of FORGIVENESS
April 9th, 2008As I sit here typing Cosmo is laying at my feet in her Super Dog pose; belly down with her back legs spread behind and her front legs out front clutching a yogurt cup. She does everything with such gusto. She’s a good reminder of when you do something, just do it.
Like Cosmo’s yogurt cup (Wow, yogurt! For me?), coming across things that bring unexpected pleasure is something that I’ve always enjoyed. Unfortunately it becomes all too rare when you’re walking a black dog. The moments are still there, it’s just the ability to feel pleasure isn’t.
I remember staying up late flipping channels one night and coming upon Dr. Strangelove just as it was beginning. I had never seen it before. What a great movie. The same thing happened with Casablanca. Still one of my favorites.
I used to go backpacking a lot in the Tetons with my good friend Ben. On our first trip Ben wanted to push on and I wanted to take a slower pace & enjoy the view. Ben marched on while I took my time. I ended up taking my backpack off, propping it against a tree, laying down and using it as a backrest. The view overlooking the Teton valley was beyond description. The warmth of the sun, the smell of the sagebrush and the Osprey gliding in big circles overhead are still very clear in my mind. To this day I use that memory to help myself relax.
Tonight I happened upon an interesting show called The Power of Forgiveness. From my own experience I know forgiveness has played an important role in my depression. Everyone needs to forgive and be forgiven. Everyone.
If you’re holding a grudge, you’re only hurting yourself. It will eat you up from the inside out. Remember it’s not something that’s earned. Whether or not the other person asks for forgiveness, do it for yourself. Let it go. You’ll feel better.
If someone is holding a grudge against you. Apologize (sincerely) and ask for their forgiveness. Hopefully they’ll decide to forgive you and you can both now heal. But what if they decide to hang on to their anger? That would be unfortunate but you would’ve done what you can to help put this burden down. Now the onus is on them. It’s not unlike carrying a sack of rocks on your back - you can put it down but you can’t keep someone else from picking it up.
What about yourself? I think maybe this is the most important one of all. Can you put that sack of rocks down and forgive yourself? Sure you can. Try it and experience an unexpected pleasure in your life.
April 9th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
I wish it were that easy for me, but it hasn’t been. Even my therapist said that the things my ex-bf did were awful and unforgivable (we were in couples therapy with her). After the breakup, I struggled through every emotion and then tried forgiveness. I read books and blogs and repeated the words “I forgive you” as a mantra, but to no avail.
I started feeling like I was a bad person because I couldn’t forgive. Finally I forgave myself for not being able to forgive him. I know that sounds like mumbo-jumbo, but it really helped. At least I set down part of that load of rocks. I hope the rest will go in due time.
April 9th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Faith,
I hope I didn’t make it sound like it should be easy. I think it’s very difficult and takes time. Maybe a long time. There are things that people do that are pretty bad and hard to forget and get over. In the program I referenced, The Power of Forgiveness, an Amish man told of how the Amish struggle with it everyday. Yet after a man murdered 5 Amish children and then himself one of the first things they did was to find that man’s family and tell them that they forgave them.
Forgiveness is a gift for yourself. You’ll still have the memory but the pain doesn’t control you anymore. You’re not a bad person and it doesn’t sound like mumbo-jumbo to me. It sounds like you gave yourself a wonderful present.
April 10th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Faith, I hear you loud and clear.
I was in an abusive marriage for 12 years. Even though my ex did some things that were totally unforgivable, I finally realized that I chose to be with him in the first place and I had to take some responsibility for what happened to me. That opened that gates for learning more about myself and why I choose men like him and I ultimately came to forgive him and myself. I don’t regret the 12 years at all now, as I look at them as a gift. I am a far better person today because of that terrible time. I have had to except that that is how he is and I can not change him. I have also had to forgive myself for making a bad choice and putting our kids in jeopardy. When I was married, I was not a very good example of a person and a Mom. Forgiving someone doesn’t excuse what they have done, it gives us the power back to not have their behavior control our lives. I always say: “A successful life is the best revenge.”
I have also found that service to humanity, animals or to the earth is a great healer. I have found that doing something nice for someone or something without condition, makes me feel less of a victim.
I still have much work to do. There is years of healing from an abusive marriage. I cut myself off from most of my friends and find that I still struggle with bouts of loneliness, grief, distrust and physical depression. I try to think more that the rocks get placed one at a time in a garden of memories to remind me where I have been. You can take a bad situation and make something positive for yourself out of it. As the load gets lighter and I can do more things and my garden gets more beautiful. “Bless this pain for it will bear its perfect gift to you in its perfect time.” R. Berkus
Even though my ex was not an alcoholic, I found the Alanon program to be a HUGE influence in helping me to learn to take responsibility for my life and how I react to it. I also learning a great deal about myself by reading “Conscious Living”. I great book to help people get to know themselves so much better. It has helped me to see why I suffered from depression for most of my life.
And finally, dogs are so forgiving. They think we are darn cool and are glad to see us no matter how bad we are. Well, unless we are bad to them which then is unforgivable. I want Cosmo the dog to give me a big kiss when I am sad.
April 10th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Wow Lisa,
It sounds like you’ve been through and learned a lot in your life. I am happy that you are healing but feel bad that you felt you had to cut yourself off from friends - I assume that it was because they were friends with your ex too.
I lost friends too after my divorce. Relationships/marriage are like going through a death in the family when they end even when it was for the better.
Cosmo and I are glad you’re doing better and she sends a big wet kiss to you.