Not Even the Same Ballpark.
April 11th, 2008Well, in re-reading this post I find it’s not the most uplifting, so feel free to skip it. You won’t hurt my feelings. I usually can suck it up and at least try to be positive & encouraging but I’ve just been a little worn out lately. Overwhelmed too. Sometimes it’s a little difficult to keep a stiff upper lip you know?
I was hoping that I would never have to go back on meds again. It had taken me long enough to get to a point where I and my doctor thought it was okay to quit. I made it a year, but the black dog wants its treats and now it’s cookie time. I don’t know what the tipping point was but it was ninja-like in it’s stealthy approach. Before I was aware it was even in the room, it had sunk it’s katana deep into my psyche. I’m sure it was a Hatori Hanza. Sneaky bastard. Bad dog.
I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised as the red flags were there. Problems at work, son graduating and moving back (I love him but I had to tell him he couldn’t live with me - too much stress) and the money it is taking to help him get established, major car repair, family, still no daughter in my life - or mom - or friends, yada, yada, yada. Next thing you know I’m just biding my time hoping it goes away or at least settles down so I can calm down but it doesn’t. My hands and feet were always cold freezing unless I ran or practiced Tai Chi. Then they would warm up for an hour or so before growing cold again. The anxiety grew along with the rumination. Brooding on my troubles only compounded them and kept me up at night.
Insomnia was the worst of it. Lack of sleep was driving me crazy. I’d go to bed at 10 and fall asleep right away only to wake up at 2 or 3. I’d lay awake and go through relaxation/guided imagery exercises and drift off only to feel like I’d been drugged and was in some weird twilight zone; not asleep but not fully awake, just completely exhausted. I’d stumble through the morning, go to work and try to focus on what I was doing. My memory was shot and I was very irritated. Even letting the dog outside seemed like too much.
So listen up kiddos. When you start feeling better, do not slack off or stop practicing TLC. If you find you’ve hit a rough spot, do not stop doing the TLC program. It’s guaranteed to turn a bump in the road into a major roll-over. Do as I say, not as I did.
So back to the doctor I went and back on an anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. The anxiety meds took a while to get used to but it’s been 3 weeks now and I’m feeling better and finally sleeping most of the night. My head is clearer and my body has finally warmed up. I can climb back on the TLC wagon.
Below (okay, way below) is the Holmes & Rahe Social Readjustment Rating Scale or as I prefer to call it, “a series of unfortunate events” along with a numerical rating - from the most to the least stressful. It must be a commonly used scale as I found the same one on different sites. The ones that are in bold font represent my unfortunate events.
Holmes & Rahe, if you’re reading this - you messed up. It has some gaping holes. It doesn’t say anything about starting or ending a relationship with a lover/friend/soul-mate, estrangement from family member(s), victim or witness of a crime, dangerous profession (military, police, firefighter), natural disasters (fire, flood, tornado, etc.), moving your folks to a nursing home, or even the death of a beloved pet. Believe me when my dog Cosmo goes it’s going to be traumatic. Maybe not up there with my mom’s passing or my best friend dying of cancer - but flags throughout the state will be at half-mast.
According to this it would appear that watching your parents Alzheimer’s grow worse counts the same (44) as Uncle Speedy’s onset of acid reflux, your spouses hemorrhoids or a broken ankle? As Samuel L. Jackson said, “… ain’t the same fucking ballpark. It ain’t the same league, it ain’t even the same fucking sport.”
Maybe it’s the two Coronas (lots of limes!) and the anti-anxiety meds talking (no lectures please) or maybe I’m a little sensitive about that as watching both my parents deteriorate with Alzheimer’s has been very similar to two deaths (Actually three if you count mom actually dying.) It is a living death if you will, as there comes a time when the disease makes it impossible for them to recognize family and take care of themselves.
They can grow very angry, so in addition to not knowing who the hell you are when you visit, they’re really pissed off too. That makes for an interesting and totally guilt free visit.
“I love you mom.” says I.
“Are you a Van Sickel or a Morrow?” mom said as she grabbed my face with a painfully thin & frail (but unusually strong) hand and glared at me. “And where is our car?! Someone stole it!”
“Don’t talk to me that way mom.”
She just squeezed my face a little harder and said, “Don’t YOU talk that way to me!”
Earlier that evening when I walked into the home, mom was chasing a young aid down the main hallway and yelling obscenities at her. Dad was bringing up the rear walking like Tim Conway with a walker. The look on the aide’s face reminded me of a National Geographic special showing a gazel about to be caught and devoured by a cheetah all while working nights and making $8 an hour. Mom, of course, was the cheetah.
Oh, jeez, please God. Just let me stay long enough to assuage my guilt at having put you in this warehouse nursing home and not wanting to visit you because I never know if it will be pleasant of unbelievably fucking ugly and all I want to do is not visit at all or run screaming between rows of overly medicated dying people and obese aides doing crossword puzzles. And please forgive my run-on sentence. Amen.
Eventually Alzheimer’s can even make its victims forget how to eat. Yeah, it really is that pleasant. In effect they are dead but you can’t bury them. The spark of life is still in them but they have a thousand yard stare. The person they were is gone.
The fat lady may not have sung, but she’s in the wings warming up her pipes. In the pantheon of diseases Alzheimer’s is in a league of its own. It is a cruel bitch (or bastard, take your pick) and I hate it.
Anywho - that’s my rant and I feel better. The alcohol has worn off and the meds have kicked in.
Now on to the list. Let me know what you would like to add to it.
100 Death of spouse
73 Divorce
65 Separation
63 Jail term
63 Death of close family member
53 Personal illness or injury
50 Marriage
47 Fired at work
45 Marital reconciliation
45 Retirement
44 Change in health of family member X 3
40 Pregnancy
39 Sex difficulties
39 Gain of new family member
38 Business readjustment
38 Change in financial state
37 Death of close friend X 2 (one to cancer, one to suicide by train)
36 Change to a different line of work
35 Change in number of arguments with spouse
30 A large mortgage or loan (does this include credit cards?)
30 Foreclosure of mortgage or loan
29 Change in responsibilities at work
29 Son or daughter leaving home
29 Trouble with in-laws
28 Outstanding personal achievement
26 Spouse begins or stops work
26 Begin or end of school or college
25 Change in living conditions
24 Change in personal habits
23 Trouble with boss
20 Change in work hours or conditions
20 Change in residence
20 Change in school or college
19 Change in recreation (are they serious? Yeah, I switched from basketball to kickball. Give me a Xanax)
19 Change in church activities
18 Change in social activities
17 A moderate loan or mortgage
16 Change in sleeping habits (I’m convinced no sleep will drive you crazy, faster than anything)
15 Change in number of family get-togethers
15 Change in eating habits
13 Holiday
12 Christmas
11 Minor violations of law
My additions:
Alz-fuckin-heimer’s 101 (maybe the alcohol hasn’t worn off)
Broken heart 100
Estrangement of daughter 100
Best friend dying 100
Suicide of a close friend 90
Death of a beloved pet 70
April 11th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Cosmo, Like you I got to the point where the doc and I thought I could make it without meds. Worked for a while but life seems to conspire against us all the more when we’re trying to make progress. Either that or the depression is organic and the meds are simply a permanent necessity like insulin is for a diabetic. I went back on a low dose and suppose I’ll be there forever. As a diabetic I can grasp the need to take maintenance medication. Sometimes it’s the only way to survive, literally.
A word about anti-depressants: Do your research on side-effects, especially with some drugs like Effexor or Cymbalta. The “half-life” in the system is limited and skipping a does or being a few hours off in taking it can play havoc and the physical and mental side-effects can be horrible. Don’t ask me how I know this.
The oldies like Prozac stay in the system and leave slowly so missing a dose isn’t as unnerving as some other meds can be.
For what it’s worth, I can wholly relate to your mental state when you wrote the post above. Been there too. Hang in there. Even in sharing your pain you remind the rest of us wrestling with a black dog that we’re not unique or weird, that others fight the battle too, and some how that’s a little bit encouraging.
Chuck
April 12th, 2008 at 5:30 am
Thanks Chuck, I needed that.
The anti-anxiety is the one that has a short life. Fortunately it’s not a benzodiazapiene which I took years ago and took me years to get off of.
I’m hanging in there, it’s just disappointing to be doing better and then not doing so well. I’m sure a part of me feels a little less of a man for not being able to get this under control once and for all. I probably watched too many Steve McQueen movies as a kid - I liked his strong silent type of character but I’m not Steve or John Wayne or Sean Connery.
At least I know my enemy better now and it will be harder for it to sneak up on me in the future.
April 12th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Both my parents had dementia before they died, and it sucks incredibly. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that / are going through it.
April 12th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Kalieris,
I am so sorry for your loss, that must have been terribly difficult for you and your family.
My black dog makes it hard to keep things in focus. I need to keep reminding myself that my family has become closer during all this, especially my sister and I.
Thanks for your comment.
April 14th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Not a downer…actually this piece was quite comforting. I don’t feel so alone. I have been med free also for some time. But for the past couple of months, I have been living in a funk that lifts and then settles again. My signs are reclusion, digestion problems and sleep disturbances. On top of everything, I heard from my ex-boyfriend that has a PhD in psychology this weekend and his dysfunctions ignite mine and it took all the strength I had left to tell him to leave me alone. I feel proud of myself that I was able to take care of my needs, but know now that this weekend was my wake up call to go back to my doc.
I think the recession could be added to the list. I made the mistake of looking at my quarterly statements for my investments for my retirement. I lost over 5K in the last three months! Yikes! Pretty scarey stuff.
As a single Mom I feel that I need to also be extra strong. I also have to be strong because the father of my kids wouldn’t think twice about full custody if I were to snap. And with being manic, there are moments of feelings of great strength and then there are the moments of extreme loss of control. Somehow I seem to manage to keep it all together at work, but once I get home I am a totally different person. That is all part of the illness. I have worked at the same place now for eight years and I just recently disclosed to my boss that I was not sleeping well and felt it may be hindering my work. Only a few people know about my illness. Having sites like this really, really helps.
My Aunt and my Uncle both had alzheimers. My heart goes out to my cousins who have had to deal with that f*ing disease twice. Is it getting more and more common for older couples to both have it? I don’t know how people do it.
I think the change of weather sometimes brings out the black dog for me. For some people the warmer weather makes them feel more alive. For me, wearing less clothing is very unnerving, feeling like I am being exposed. Plus the warmer weather chokes me and makes me feel like I want to jump out of my skin. Give me a sunny day that is 50 degrees and I am a happy camper. So add weather or season changes to the list.
Let’s cut ourselves so slack and just try and take it 15 minutes at a time and try to enjoy one thing today. I happened to find the cool fog rolling in this morning after a very hot weekend, to be quite a nice gift for a Monday.
April 14th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Lisa,
Your comments always make me feel better. Thanks.
We need to pay attention to our red flags. I wasn’t sleeping and had stomach issues too.
I also made the decision to tell my immediate supervisor at work about it and surprisingly he was very compassionate having gone through depression himself.
It’s a very human thing.
Glad to hear you told your ex to leave you alone - you’re a strong person!
May 5th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Hang in there…. I really like your website.
Wondering if anything could go over 100? For me, raped by my boss, lost my very successful career, going through terrible lawsuit, never been a drinker but am now (sigh), loss of many friends from work, denial from boss that he did what he did, waking up at 4 am every day, reliving everything over and over.
Let me just say that prior to this occurrence I suffered from depression on and off for many years. I finally had weaned myself off of medication, was running, in the best shape of my life, very happy with my husband (and he has been wonderful thankfully). I finally was happy.
I guess what I’m trying to say is the black dog can come back at any time, either for no reason or for life stressors. I try to exercise, I do take fish oil, am on 3 insane medications.
Anyhow, despite all this, your site brings me hope. I really really hope you are going to pull through this. What happened to you all at once must have been so darn overwhelming.
Please take care.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Gwendolyn,
So very sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. That’s terrible. I can only imagine how stressful that’s been for you and your family. If that doesn’t rate as a 100 it’s at least a 99.
I’ve been through the lawsuit courts and it’s very stressful. I hope you found some measure of justice in your ordeal.
I hope your drinking is not an issue, please be careful with that - especially with the meds you’re on.
You’re absolutely right, the black dog comes like a thief in the night. You just never know when or where. There is always hope though - I’ve discovered that. Despite all the stressors, I know I have gotten better and you can too!
I’ve lost friends too. One in particular said they loved me unconditionally and would always be there for me but it turned out that wasn’t true. It’s a tough situation to deal with and I also wake at 4 ruminating.
I wish you all the best with your struggle with the black dog. God bless you and your husband too.
May 5th, 2008 at 11:29 am
I completely understand the friend thing… black dog really shows who your true friends are. And getting over that betrayal makes it all the harder.
Thank you for your blessings.
I remember as a joke I ordered a t-shirt from the black dog tavern (I couldn’t find the t-shirt my mom had bought for me a long time ago that was actually the real black dog)
Anyhow I will continue to read your website. Many blessings to you for creating and maintaining this.
May 5th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
How funny Gwendolyn - when I was searching for a name for my blog I tried to get “theblackdog.com” but of course it was taken.
I think I should make some t-shirt designs up - what do you think?