When I got home tonight Cosmo was in her dog bed (leather couch with a blanket and several pillows) fast asleep. She must sleep about 20 hours a day (literally). I should probably hire a nurse to periodically turn and massage her to prevent bed sores. It was 5 o’clock which is the magic hour to our dogs - feeding time. As soon as she heard me she was up with her perky ears and bright eyes look, looking at me with a “It would be soooooo sweet if you would get in the kitchen and rattle my dish with some kibble.” Every day I’m glad they aren’t fed in the morning as they all go nuts with whining and barking. I fed them, let ‘em out and put my running shorts and shoes on.

Tonight I had driven home by a different route to measure the distance to my house. Usually I run 2 miles but I wanted to push it to 3 and that’s almost exactly what the distance was. The plus side is that it was a little flatter than my other route of 3 miles - that one has a very big hill in it and I wanted to ease into another mile.

It’s been several weeks since I tapered off of buspar for anxiety. I had never managed to get used to the side effects, namely hot flashes (ladies you have my sympathy), night sweats and foggy thinking. Just the act of making the decision to get off of it made me feel better. Despite some initial increase in my anxiety I do feel better being free of it. Exercising is a better way for me to deal with my anxiety.

When I talked to my doctor about anxiety and panic I told him that I had read that they’re not an illness but rather indicate that you’ve become hypersensitive to the fight or flight process. Over time the anxiety thermostat gets reset so that you feel anxious when it serves no purpose. He agreed wholeheartedly. So that’s what I’m working on now - resetting my thermostat.

Inertia is the resistance an object has to a change in its state of motion . . . A body in motion tends to remain in motion, a body at rest tends to remain at rest.

Depression has its own unique inertia. It resists change big time. It is so easy to come up with excuses to not exercise. I find all sorts of rationalizations (Mañana) come to mind right before I get ready, but I do my best to ignore them and try to go with what little momentum there is to run.

It’s been incredibly humid here lately and it poured this morning. It was so dark at 11 a.m. that it looked more like 9 p.m. Tonight it was probably around 85 or 90 with an equal amount of humidity. I felt tired after I started to run but I think a big part of that is the black dog’s little voice inside trying to get me to turn around and go back inside where it’s cool and I can be lazy.

My mind wandered a lot, from a strange dream I had last night to wondering what my heart rate was. I stop about half way and take my pulse (148) and even in the 15 seconds it takes to do that there’s that voice again urging me to stop and walk the rest of the way. A body in motion may tend to stay in motion but it doesn’t want to. I push on and feel better, the stop light that marks the spot where I turn to head home is only a half mile more.

By the time I get home I’m drenched but I can’t let up now. I get a glass of water and towel off all of the sweat and head out to the backyard to practice some Tai Chi for an hour. I think doing some sort of activity to relax is every bit as important as getting your heart rate up.

My mind still wanders during Tai Chi but I do notice when it quiets down. Awareness comes without much thought behind it. I don’t consciously think “Someone is mowing their lawn the next block over”, I’m just aware of it. No words are necessary. Roofers hammer on a house at the end of the street, birds chirp, the breeze blows honeysuckle my way and Cosmo lays on the deck watching. For a few minutes I can suspend thinking and just relax in the moment. It’s a small thing, easily overlooked but quite miraculous in its effect.

My teacher tells a story of a Tai Chi master in China who lived through ‘interesting times’ of war and famine. He ran afoul of the Communists and lost everything. For 15 years he was not allowed to work. He lived off of teaching students on the sly and selling his family’s belongings. He said that no matter what troubles he had in life he always had Tai Chi and whenever he practiced it he felt joy for at least a few minutes every day. He died at age 105.

I guess that’s what I’m after, a little joy. It can’t be forced, you just have to adjust your lifestyle to allow it in.

For so long it was a real struggle for me to do anything, so understand I’m not trying to blow my own horn here but rather just encourage you that it can be done. You don’t have to like it, you just have to do it. Fight the urge to do nothing and get out there.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008 at 5:25 am and is filed under exercise.