10 Steps Out of Depression
July 8th, 2008
Mid 80s with some rain mixed in and my yard is looking really good. I’ve taken the time to slow down, pay attention and enjoy it. Stopping to smell the roses so-to-speak. It helps to pay attention to the outside world and get out of your own thoughts and concerns if only for a moment here and there. This is true for everyone but especially those walking a black dog.
In my backyard I discovered a small birdhouse I bought at an art fair years ago finally has an occupant - a wren family. I find joy in observing everyday things. It’s kind of a strange phenomena. Nothing is special and nothing is not special. Every moment I spend watching the wrens flitting about, singing & chirping are moments that help me to let go, relax and feel connected.
When I visited my dad last Friday - the Fourth, I brought a small American flag and some chocolates. It doesn’t take much to make an old man feel good.
On this visit I found out how much less stressful it is if I just play along with him and what he thinks is going on from the very start. If he believes he talked to his aunt that died 10 years ago, then I’ll ask him about their conversation. It serves no purpose to argue that his version of reality is incorrect. After all if you have a black dog, your version of reality is a little skewed too. After 87 years he’s earned the right to have whatever reality he wants.
If he thinks mom is still alive and then I tell him she’s dead, it might re-traumatize him all over again. I remember what his face looked like on the day mom died and I don’t ever want to see that again. Fortunately during this visit he was only focused on going back to work.
So when dad shrugged his shoulders and said he didn’t know why, but they wanted him back at the mine to work again (after 60+ years) I said, “You must have made an impression. They probably looked at your old records.”
“Yeah, I suppose so.” he replied, “They were sure a good company to work for. The people were nice and the pay was good. They must have liked me.”
“What’s not to like dad?”
He grinned and said he’d need to get his car back now that he had a job again. We talked about shopping for a car.
Within a minute or two he was concerned that the Army might recall him too.
“They’ll always need good officers dad and you were a good one.” He smiled at that.
It was like a light bulb going off in my mind. Whatever dad believes in the moment, all I have to do is become an actor and ad-lib some lines. It makes him happy and he feels like he has a life again, something to look forward to.
Being Right or Being Happy
It’s not really lying either. I’m not trying to purposefully mislead him. I found myself feeling better during that visit than I have ever felt before mainly because I didn’t try to correct him. Thinking about it, all it amounted to before was me trying to be right. No ego there, eh? All me being ‘right’ did was reinforce how much dad’s Alzheimer’s has progressed and all that did was make me feel worse. It’s time to let go of that downward spiral. Now I’ve decided to be happy instead of right.
Such is the nature of the mind and our beliefs. Our thoughts really are our reality. If you have a black dog, your thoughts and subsequently your emotions, tend to be on the dark side. So how can we break out and choose another, healthier and happier reality?
- Recognize that your thinking determines how you feel and that it is in your power to change it. When you find yourself getting upset, examine just what it is you’re telling yourself & argue rationally out of it. Read up on cognitive / rational emotive therapy and/or find a good counselor. In short you learn to separate a practical problem from an emotional one and thereby gain control over both.
- Take responsibility - choose to change your life and aggressively treat your depression no matter how long it takes.
- Live each day - refuse to be satisfied with just getting by.
- Be willing to do the hard work to get better.
- Focus - your #1 priority is getting better, all else comes after that.
- Become an expert - read up on your condition and its treatment. Knowledge is empowering. Be careful you don’t overdo it on the self-help books. Pick a few good ones and move on, the books can’t heal you, only acting on the knowledge you gain can.
- Plan - journal your plan of attack and keep track of your progress. You’ll be surprised to see how your mood changes over time.
- Persevere - never give up. Keep the momentum going even when it feels like there is none.
- Take action and do it now - don’t wait until the time is right, the right time is always now.
- Repeat all of the above - just like the directions on your shampoo, lather rinse, REPEAT!
July 8th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
This is such a beautiful post about your Dad. You are doing exactly the right thing. And it lets you share some wonderful moments in spite of the disease. You should encourage him to talk about what he remembers and tell you stories about the old days. Now that my father is gone, and I’m going through his things and finding memorabilia of days gone by, I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time talking to him about his past. Your father’s mind my by failing, but sometimes the older memories stand out more sharp and clear than yesterday’s activities. Let him talk, and listen. Best wishes to you and your Dad.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Thank you Lesliet, I’m glad you enjoyed it. My heart goes out to you. It’s hard to go through your parent’s possessions after they’ve passed. So many memories . . .
I ask dad a lot of questions about his past. Most recently I asked him what his thoughts were when he found himself in combat for the first time in WWII. His response, “How in the Hell did I get myself into this mess?!”
What a great answer, eh?
July 8th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Wow, that conversation with your dad is right out of a movie. If only it was so. Way to love your dad and light up his day!
Recently, I’ve made friends with a woman in her 80’s who frequents the park nearby with her Yorkshire Terrier and her walker. Her family is scattered but she lives with her daughter who she raves about. (Thankfully she has a great daughter who cares for her too!) I love asking her about her life. She’ll tell the same stories but the smile on her face is so worth it.
Right now I am a mom of a 2 toddlers and I tell them things over and over because they forget the rules of respecting each other. One day, I’ll be telling them things over and over but because I forgot I already have. What goes around comes around. I am now taking care of them and one day I hope they’ll take good care of me.
Way to love your dad!
PS. Before my grandparents died, I gave them a notebook of 365 simple questions about their life which they could do one a day. I am so glad I did. The stories are so rich and I look forward to passing them on to my kids when they are older. Perhaps going through a book like that with your dad together could be fun! You could write or type the answers or record them if it’s easier.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Thanks for the beautiful post about your love for your Dad, and the great ideas for getting control of that black dog. My father was ill with a degenerative neurological problem for a couple of years before he died last year of an unrelated cause. During the last few months of his life, I was so upset by his illness to the point where I felt it was consuming every area of my life. Then, someone suggested that I give up the idea that the illness was wrong, and instead focus on what was really happening: my dad was sick, but he was receiving the best care possible, I could still spend time with him and communicate my love for him. Giving up making his illness “wrong” lifted an incredible weight from my shoulders and brought me peace in the last weeks of his life. Your post reminded me of that when you said you’ve decided to be happy rather than right.
Thank you very much!
July 9th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Merri Ellen & Rebecca,
Thank you both.
Merri Ellen do you remember the name of the book? I’d like to get that for dad.
Rebecca - I too have been consumed by dad’s illness. You hit the nail on the head about giving up on it being wrong. To let go of that is freeing and allows us to focus on the positive - taking care of our loved ones.
July 9th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Yes, the book is called “Dad, Share Your Life With Me” and you can find it on Amazon!
July 22nd, 2008 at 5:21 pm
My father died not long ago, and I am touched by this sweet post, and I can relate to negotiating the different realities. Who is to say what is real or truthful anyway? You were engaging on an entirely different level of reality which is every bit as true. Thanks for helping me become aware of your website (by commenting on The Ninth Elegy!) Very nice blog.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Laurel,
Our world is indeed created by mind alone, eh? The more I have to deal with my father’s Alzheimer’s the more I realize the truth of that statement.
I enjoy your blog too. Thanks.