Cogito, ergo sum - thinking and depression
July 18th, 2008Made it to a full 5 miles the other night. It was a little cooler so that helped. When I started out I felt tired and actually thought about cutting it short but the longer I ran - and ran through my desire to stop - the more energized I felt. I relaxed as best as I could and paid attention to my legs and hips. I experimented with using relaxation as I ran so that my body felt less strain putting one foot in front of the other and pumping my arms back and forth. Moving my legs forward I relaxed the muscles in my hips and quads as soon as I could while still extending my legs in a reasonably good running stride. I did the same with my arms by relaxing my shoulder and holding my arms as loosely as I could while still maintaining a natural running rhythm. In other words I used as little muscular effort as possible while breathing naturally and deeply. It seemed to make all the difference in the world. I also started with a slower pace.
Cogito, ergo sum
By relaxing I found it was easier to be more aware of what was going on around me. Things that are usually easy to ignore. I tried to not make any internal conversation about what I became aware of. If I smelled a newly mowed lawn, I tried to just experience the smell rather than attach “Oh, that’s the smell of cut grass. I wonder how long ago they cut it? I wonder who cut it., etc.” thoughts to it. It’s a liberating experience to not have thoughts always intruding in to everything.
Descartes said , “I think, therefore I am.” well, what happens when you don’t think? I’m trying to find out.
To paraphrase Buddhism, “Before thought, everything is one. After thought, everything is different.” I think when you have a black dog you know how scattered your thoughts are and how this thinking separates you from everything else. A depressive thought makes you feel different from others to an even deeper level.
Words are limiting and can’t replace the experience but here’s some of the things I became aware of during my run. Try to imagine experiencing them firsthand without thinking.
Smell . . . A weedy, pollen odor coming from the overgrown areas by the path. Sulphur from car exhaust. Charcoal grilled meat that blew in from a restaurant down the road (I could never be a vegetarian). Pine trees were especially fragrant but I think my favorite was the smell of water coming from a business’s sprinkler. It reminded me of the smell before a rain. Very refreshing coming towards the last leg of my run.
Sound . . . cars flying towards me on the street. Semis on the highway miles away. Train whistles in the distance. Birds chirping and calling to one another. A distant plane. Two women talking while waiting for a light to change.
Site . . . The deer and cat tracks permanently embedded in a section of the sidewalk. Too many rabbits to count; some sitting still and others bolting away depending on how close I was. It was like I was a T-Rex and they thought “Don’t move and he won’t see me.” A child’s plastic toy dropped along the way. Two young birds that were blown out of their nest - or perhaps as they were just learning to fly. Several SUVs and trucks with their windows painted with baseball tournament graffiti. And the pale blue Kansas sky.
Touch. . . The feel of the sun heating my face as I ran to the west and later on my neck when I turned back east. Sweat soaking every inch of my body. My wet shirt clinging to me, only my sleeves stayed dry enough to use to wipe the sweat off my brow. The breeze that cooled me when I turned towards home and the sprinkler water that showered me as I ran through its mist. The coolness of the air I breathed.
It seems like such a simple thing, easily ignored - but that’s life and it passes all too quickly. These seemingly unimportant things can enrich our experience if we only slow down and pay attention to them. Think of how much freer and richer each day can be. Less emotion (black dog) and more pure experience.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
I call it flying. I am sure the endorphins and the extra oxygen have something to do with the “altered mind” state. For me sometimes I get so relaxed that all I am is my body and sometimes it seems I have no body at all and I am very aware of my surroundings. I believe vigorous exercise has been a huge part of my good physical health (for 53!) and keeping my depression under control. Do you keep track of your exercise and how it effects your ability to cope? I think I will start being more mindful of that.
July 18th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
It is a lot like flying isn’t it? I know exercise makes a huge difference in how I feel. I payed for it last Fall when I slacked off for several weeks. Now whenever I think about not running that memory comes back and I change clothes and go out running.
July 20th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I like the fact that hard physical activity, like running or aerobics, stops me thinking (or over thinking…) for a while.
But I can never get my muscles to relax enough to concentrate on things going on around me, especially with running - I hate running, but force myself to do it because I know it helps
July 21st, 2008 at 8:35 am
Running helps me too. I can’t really tell, which helps me most- reading or exercise, I guess both are a sort of meditation…
I really enjoy your blog.
I also found this one- I think it’s really good…
check it out if you have the time-
http://anxiousangst.blogspot.com/
July 21st, 2008 at 9:04 am
Zania,
I can’t imagine that doing something you “hate” really helps all that much. Have you tried maybe power walking instead? I make sure I run in good shoes, stretch well and wear comfortable clothing that I think I look good in. I took a class many years ago to teach me how to run. You have to start out slow in order for your body to wake up to the experience and overdoing running or trying to run too fast (I believe Cosmo did an entry about checking your heart rate) can make your body hate the whole ordeal. As I have gotten older, I find my body does not respond like it used to, so I alternate my running days with power walking days with a weight vest and on other days 30 minutes of stairs. For a real treat I like to go on real challenging hikes where I am breathing hard, a fast walk in the beach or a night of dancing. I also run with music which is a great distraction. You may not be a runner and it is okay to do something else which might be more suitable for your body and your mind.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:14 am
@ Lisa
You are right. Doing something you ‘hate’ is difficult
I’m actually quite a fast runner. I used to compete in all my county’s events when I was at school. But I always hated it, lol!
So every time I run (or jog), I hear the training coach yelling in my ears. Can be off putting!
I do quite a lot of power walking with weights (I have ‘thin bones’, so I have to do weight bearing exercise to offset osteoporosis in later life). This isn’t so bad, but we live in the mountains, so it can be quite challenging! (And as I type this (7pm Spain time) it’s over 100 degrees fahrenheit. So it’s not even doable).
In this case (most of the summer…), I exercise indoors to an aerobics video and under the air con . I actually enjoy that much more
July 22nd, 2008 at 4:54 am
Claudia,
I’ve always loved reading too. You can certainly get lost in it, but it doesn’t get our heart rate up unless we’re doing it on a bike or treadmill!
Glad you found my blog and thanks for the link - it looks good!
- Cosmo
July 22nd, 2008 at 5:06 am
Zania,
I don’t know if it’s offered where you live but Tai Chi is a great ‘weight bearing’ and meditative art that will also help you relax.
Maybe you could walk in the mountains in the evening? That would get your heart rate up and you’d get some sunlight - good for vitamin D & bone strength.
- Cosmo
July 22nd, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Cosmo,
I would love to learn Tai Chi.
I tried to learn from a book a couple of years ago, but it’s not the same as learning from someone who can actually show you face to face.
I had forgotten about Tai Chi, I’ll check it out - might be classes in the city, which wouldn’t be that difficult to get to.
Thanks very much for the suggestion.
But as to walking in the mountains in the evenings.. probably not so good. It’s much too hot until well after the sun goes down and then much too dangerous.
Mornings are good though