One of the many things you can do on Google is to create an ‘alert’ (google.com > more > even more > alerts). This feature allows you to enter a word or phrase or a name and then have Google notify you when someone searches for that. It’s a handy way of keeping track of a developing news story, a favorite sports team, or in my case, trying to keep in contact with a daughter I’ve lost through Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

The only way I have of knowing anything about my own flesh and blood is now through the internet. How sad is that? Over the last several months that I’ve had the alert in place there’s been precious little that’s showed up. Outside of a college newsletter article about a school award that she won there was nothing . . . until Saturday morning.

That’s when I found there was a link to a wedding registry returned. I followed the link to weddingchannel.com where her wedding date was listed as August 1. Jesus, I thought. She’s already married and didn’t say anything to anyone on our side of the family.

I was a little surprised that I didn’t have a stronger reaction at first. It just seemed to hit me and then sit there on the surface of my brain. Well, I knew that was coming . . . As the weekend wore on I found myself becoming increasingly upset, frustrated and depressed.

“This just isn’t right. This isn’t fair. How does it get to this point where a man’s daughter won’t talk to him or anyone on his side of the family? Won’t ask the people that loved and raised her to her wedding?” I kept telling and asking myself.

Finally yesterday afternoon I decided that I couldn’t keep going on this way, it’s just too painful. I felt sick to my stomach trying to absorb it all and at the same time, ignore it - pretend it didn’t happen, wasn’t happening. You can’t run away from emotional turmoil. It follows you closer than your own shadow. I might as well have listened to “I Loved Her First” by Heartland and cried in my beer. Instead, I chose to face it, hurt and all.

I can’t make anyone behave a certain way. People (including my daughter) will behave badly and treat me and my loved ones poorly. That’s life. It doesn’t feel good but it’s not anyone’s fault and to continue to beat myself up over it serves no purpose. In fact it only reinforces a negative view of myself and if there’s anything I don’t need, that’s it.

The hurt and the emotions are still there. When they come up, I acknowledge their presence and remind myself that it’s beyond my control. I choose to let it go and relax. When it comes up again I repeat the whole process.

My daughter has chosen her path. I hope she’ll come around but I can’t dwell on that as it will only serve to remind me of the void in my heart and in my life. I’ve given up an awful lot for my little girl and the only thing left is me. I’m not willing to give that up.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 25th, 2008 at 10:44 am and is filed under family, father-daughter, parental alienation syndrome.