Return to Sender, Address Unknown
October 20th, 2008
My daughter’s birthday was last month. She’s now 23 years old. The other day in the mail I received the birthday card that I’d sent to her in care of her grandparents (since I don’t know her address) marked ‘return to sender’ written in her mother’s handwriting. Ouch. Very Ouch.
Why her mother thinks it’s her place to do this I’ll never know. One thing is for sure, anyone who would do this to their own child is a very sick individual.
Since she was 14 my family and I have been excluded from celebrating her birthday. All we could do was to send her cards and presents. We didn’t know if she got them or not as there was never any acknowledgment of them. No thank you, no phone call, just nothing but silence.
My son shared with me that she told him she felt guilty because I was always so nice to her and sent her things. His response was, “Why don’t you go see him?”
For her 16th birthday several of her friends decided to take her to dinner. I had thought her mom would have done something special for her but she was in the process of divorcing her 3rd husband and was out on a date.
I used to teach her friends Aikido. In their eyes I think I was ‘cool’ so they invited my wife and I to go out to dinner too.
When she came in to the restaurant I could tell she was ’stuck’. She looked uncomfortable but couldn’t leave as all her friends were there. She also looked conflicted as we were there with a present and wanting to help celebrate her birthday while her mom was out on a date.
It was the same look I remember seeing in my son’s eyes when he was just a toddler. I was out running on a trail through a local park when I bumped in to my ex, her 2nd husband and the kids riding their bikes. My son had a look that I can only describe as a mix of terror and happiness. He was obviously very happy to see me but knew it made his mom very angry. It broke my heart to see him want to hug me but too terrified to do so.
This is the face of parental alienation.
The counselor that I’ve started to see recently looked at me the other day after I’d told her what’s been going on in my life over the last few years and said, “What you’ve been through is very psychically damaging. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been on you.”
There it is, with just a few words I felt like I wasn’t over reacting so much as just stuck in a very human response to traumatic circumstances. This is why I started counseling again. If nothing else, it helps to give a voice to your black dog and share your experiences with an objective third party who’s trained to help you find your way out of your emotional storm.
It’s not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. You’re taking control of your own health and that’s the first step to recovery.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
It must have been terrible to see that envelope in your mailbox. You are showing great strength in writing about it without rancor, and seeking help with a professional counselor.
I want you to know that your posts about parental alienation have helped a friend of mine. I sent her your links, especially to PAAO, and now she is finding the support she needs whereas before she was so alone. Parental alienation is very real, serious, insidious, and damaging. You are doing a great service by bringing these things to light.
October 20th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Wow, I dono’t know whattosay to that, all I can think is “Wow, thatreally sucks!”. Hardly any depth in those words, I know, but that’s the only thing I can think, I’m speechless. I think it just shows how strong a person you are to have survived all that and still be able to talk about it. If itwere me, I don’t know, I may verywell have given up, and be living under a bridge somewhere!
October 20th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Thanks you guys, I really appreciate your comments. You know you feel alone when you’re depressed & it’s even more so when you have to deal with such hatred. It’s just crazy.
I’m glad it’s helped your friend Faith. I hope she has better luck than I have!